We hear it constantly: Relationships require you to “be vulnerable” with your partner. This advice is repeated so often that it has almost become background noise in dating. This is along with other common phrases like “communication is key” and “relationships take hard work.”
Despite being a buzzword, vulnerability is a complex concept. It’s also a trait that doesn’t come easily or naturally to everyone.
What does it mean to be vulnerable?
In relationships, being vulnerable means showing someone exactly who you are and how you feel without disguise, bravado, or ego defences, exposing yourself to the possibility of hurt or rejection.
Being vulnerable means you make a conscious decision not to hide yourself. This is risky because you can’t control how others will respond to you. It means others see who you truly are, and if they aren’t able to accept you, appreciate your complexity, or they judge or reject you, it hurts deeply.
Being vulnerable with someone means risking being your true self.
People struggle with vulnerability because they fear getting hurt, typically in the form of rejection, judgment, or betrayal from others. You may begin to put on a brave face, act indifferent, suppress emotions, or step into a role meant to protect yourself from these risks.
The irony is, when you do this, you end up robbing yourself of the intimacy, connection, community, and love of the people who have the bandwidth and capacity to accept you as you are.
How can you be emotionally vulnerable?
- Directly telling someone that you think they’re cool and are interested in getting to know them better
- Letting someone know that something they said hurt your feelings
- Telling someone when you’re feeling ashamed or embarrassed
- Acknowledging when you’ve made a mistake and apologizing for it
- Asking for feedback on a project you care a lot about and worked hard on
- Opening up to someone about an experience of trauma or hardship
- Asking someone for help
- Telling a friend that your relationship has been rocky lately and asking for support
- Listening to someone explain a way in which you’ve hurt them, without trying to explain what happened or defend your character
- Letting people know about your insecurities or struggles
- Allowing yourself to feel hopeful and excited about a budding relationship, even though things are still new and uncertain
- Setting a boundary with someone
- Talking openly about your negative emotions—such as anger, fear, disappointment, or jealousy—without trying to cover them up or deflect from them
- Telling someone about a time when someone made you feel small
- Believing and trusting in someone completely, putting your faith in them that they’ll come through for you
1. Get to know your inner world better
To show people your true self, you first need to know your true self. This begins with exploring yourself beyond your default attitudes. Pay attention to your knee-jerk reactions when something positive or negative happens. Ask yourself, “If I didn’t hide behind this reaction, is there more going on here for me?”
Allow yourself to recognize how you feel in different situations, tune in to your body, and practice saying how you genuinely feel about things out loud. It can be surprisingly powerful to say, “I feel angry toward my sister” or “I feel scared of being alone” because often, we don’t even allow ourselves to be vulnerable with ourselves.
2. Say how you really feel about things
Once you’re more in touch with your own emotions, start sharing them with others. Practice telling your partner how you really feel about things, even if it seems silly.
If you miss your partner, send them a text and let them know; if your partner hurt your feelings with a small comment this morning, tell them honestly how it felt. If you really enjoy hanging out with him/her, let them know.
3. Accept the risk
The truth is that being vulnerable means accepting the risk of getting hurt. This means you can’t always wait for a situation where you’re perfectly safe or certain that you won’t get judged or rejected.
There’s always a degree of risk involved when you’re genuine and honest. Even if you’re vulnerable and it doesn’t end up creating intimacy and connection, or it isn’t received well, that’s okay. Being vulnerable doesn’t guarantee that things will go your way in all your relationships.
Learn to practice acceptance for these moments and build tolerance for the emotions that may accompany them.
4. Work on healing your attachment wounds
The fear of abandonment or getting hurt by others often stems from past experiences where that very thing happened. These are sometimes known as attachment issues, and it can help to explore these wounds with a mental health professional.
The goal is to develop what’s known as a secure attachment style. A securely attached person tends to be much more comfortable with vulnerability. They know that it is OK to need or depend on others, and they value being needed in return.
Intimacy and vulnerability are not a challenge, as a securely attached individual has a strong sense of self and isn’t dictated by fear of rejection or a fear of losing themselves.
5. Invite feedback from others
Asking your partner (or anyone) to give you their honest thoughts about you, your work, or your behaviour is an intensely vulnerable act—but it’s also something that can lead to more intimacy and accountability in your relationship.
When asking for feedback, be approachable and accountable. Expressing yourself vulnerably while inviting feedback could improve your connections. It gives people a chance to express themselves and convey any roadblocks or areas of friction.
6. Be upfront about the things you want
Vulnerability in dating can simply look like prioritizing your truth. It isn’t just about pouring your heart out and sharing all your past traumas (though that can be part of it eventually). You can start with something as small as being open about exactly what you want from a potential relationship. Also, you can simply be radically honest with someone you’re going on a date with.
Try answering every question with a completely true answer. If your date wants to get coffee but you don’t like coffee, don’t agree to have coffee. If you want to take a walk around the park, say you want to take a walk around the park. The building blocks of vulnerability start with honesty.
7. Remember why you’re doing this
Finally, it’s important to remember that vulnerability isn’t about getting other people to like you more or really getting anything out of others.
We need to remember we’re not being vulnerable to get people to act a certain way toward us. It’s not a tool of manipulation. It’s a tool of liberation. We should do it for ourselves.
No matter how the situation unfolds after you open yourself up, know that you’ve already benefited—because you showed up as your full self.
There’s only one you, and you were born to experience who you are as fully as possible and as often as possible, free of masks, defences, disguises, and shields.
How to make a man feel vulnerable?
To encourage a man to be vulnerable with you, ask open-ended questions that explore his experiences, ambitions, and emotions. Demonstrate genuine curiosity, making it clear that you’re interested in understanding him on a deeper level without being intrusive.
The takeaway
Being vulnerable is a risk, but it pays dividends in our relationships by allowing others to get close to us and know us more fully. Even if it doesn’t come naturally to you, you can learn how to be vulnerable by practising small acts of emotional bravery whenever and wherever possible.
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